Tom Cardy The Ballad Of Smokin' Joe Rudeboy
[Verse 1]
Let me tell you a little story
About a man a long time ago
He was the quickest draw in the wild west
By the name of Smokin' Joe
It's Smokin' Joe
Hit the floor
But he didn't own no six gun
Lemme tell you what he'd do:
When the varmint rode in to town
He'd shoot 'em down with a big fat f..ck you
[Chorus]
Smokin' Joe
Rudeboy
Lemme make sure I heard you right
$7.50 for a large soy cappuccino
Lemme get my wallet
Fuck you, eh!
Smokin' Joe
Rudeboy
Lemme make sure I heard you right
Even though I'm not with Amazon
You're calling me to tell me that
My profile has been hacked?
Fuck you!
[Verse 2]
And so Joe held the law
In the town in which he lived
Yeah, only stupid motherfuckers
Would talk shit around Rudeboy
With his whiplash wrist
(gon' get it now)
Leroy "2 Gun" Jenkins thought
That he could surely win
But before Leroy could blink
He was told to sit and spin
(Why don't you take it for a ride now)
The Mongoose Mountain Gang
Played dirty with a 20 man crew
But tales are told that Joe grew
18 arms that day as a gift from Vishnu
And as he rose in fame
Every quickdraw outlaw came
To the man they heard
Whose fists would burn
When he flipped the bird
[Chorus]
Smokin' Joe
Rudeboy
Lemme make sure I heard you right
You wanna refund the money
That I spent in your shop
With a store credit?
Fuck you!
Smoking Joe
Rudeboy
Lemme make sure I heard you right
Everybody brought a platter
To my fancy birthday dinner
But you brought soda water?
Fuck you!
[Verse 3]
He got that name because
His finger burns hot like the sun
And leaves you smokin' when he's done
It's just as well that Joe is fast as hell
'Cause in every duel he won
I'm not sure Joe knew
That they had a literal gun
I know that they're packing heat
And I know that they know
That I'm the man to beat
But when I step onto the street
With a jingle in my feet
They know that I know that
They know that they can f..ck themself
Some say many years ago
Before Joseph Rudeboy was Smokin' Joe
He had a wife, her name was Bo
Bo was with child in a happy home
But into town an outlaw came
Who wore a velvet cloak like a bloodstain
Now, Bo didn't like Joe usin' no gun
So Bo told Joe to f..ckin' run
"You gotta bring back help"
Run fast Joe, fast Joe
"Lemme stay and fight"
But Bo said, "No guns, you've got to go!"
Joseph Rudeboy was too slow
For a child that he'd never know
Joseph Rudeboy you're too slow
Burning inside Joseph died
But from the ash the man who rose was
[Chorus]
Smokin Joe
Rudeboy
He's a human Phoenix
Yes that's the word
I heard he was born in a fire
And rides a pair of flamin' birds
Smokin' Joe
Rudeboy
I've heard he's never shot no-one
But he's still locked up half of the wild west
Lookin' for a velvet wearing son of a gun
[Verse 4]
One day an outlaw came to town
"Come out here Smokin' Joe
You're just as well already dead"
He wore a velvet cloak but Joe saw red
And on the street
The fateful pair did meet
All the townsfolk came to watch
When they knew Joe was gonna
Tell someone to
(Fuck) Their eyes were locked
(Fuck off) What seemed like three eternities
(Fuck off) To Joe the velvet man seemed different
(Fuck off) From how he remembered him to be
(Fuck off) But it was all the same
(Fuck off) To Smokin' Joe who'd been through hell
(Fuck off) He'd dreamt every night the last 18 years
(Fuck off) Of telling this guy to f..ck himself
But when Joe went to ball his hand
Into a flamin' fist
The outlaw shot him first with a
Middle finger that looked just like his
And as Joe fell
He beheld the outlaw's face
A young girl who'd seen it all
And grew up in a terrible place
Whose mother once told Joseph
To run and bring back help
A girl who thought her father
Had run out to save himself
[Chorus]
Smokin' Joe
Rudeboy
Lemme make sure I heard you right
You been tellin' everybody
I'm a deadbeat daddy
Didn't know I tried to save ya?
(Yeah) f..ck you daughter!
Smokin' Joe
Rudeboy
Lemme make sure I heard you right
Now I found my father
And I learned the truth
We can be reunited
That's right
Fuck you old man!
