Phoebe Kreutz The Ballad Of Throat Culture
THE BALLAD OF THROAT CULTURE - I wish I was in a
band/Being a solo singer makes me blue/So if you wanna
join my band/Here's what I can offer you/We'd be called
throat culture and we'd start off small/We'd play in
Scranton, Pennsylvania at the Shriner's Hall/We'd get
discovered at a smokey bar/By some British guy named
Nigel/Said he'll make us all a star/And we say "Fuck
that, man/We're not about the fame/We don't need to
suck like Creed/Or someone just as lame/All across the
land/Cuz we're a rock n' roll band"/So Nigel talks us
in. Move to LA/In the studio be slavin' every night and
every day/Until the label says we should replace/Our
funny-looking bassist with a marketable face/And we say
"Fuck that, man/No, man, don't even try/Bob's been with
us since we started/We don't mind his lazy eye/Or his
disfigured hand/Cuz we're a rock n' roll band"/So Bob's
replacement guy is called The Blade/He's always wearing
leather and he's always getting laid/We share our
vicodin. He shares cocaine/By the time the tour is
started, no one's feeling any pain/The label named the
tour, "The tour of doom"/But they kick all the
teenagers out of the dressing room/These girls are old
enough to throw bras on stage/But we're not supposed to
love them because they're underage/And we say "Fuck
that, man/we're all about our people/I don't need to
see her i.d./When I can clearly see her neeple/Plus
she's nicely tanned/And we're a rock n' roll band"/I
develop a heroin addiction/You develop an aversion to
the sun/We both contract a syphilis affliction/Now tell
me if that doesn't sound like fun/I'm always so coked
up I'm missing shows/I get so wasted at the Grammy's I
punch J-Lo in the nose/When we play Omaha we start a
riot/But you get pissed when I throw Nigel through the
window at the Hyatt/You come to my place to
intervene/You find me hanging by the pool-house,
shooting smack with Ben Vereen/You say I've gone down-
hill since rags to riches/It used to be about the
homies, now it's all about the bitches/and I say "Fuck
you, man/You motherfuckin' sellout/You were nothing
when I found you at The Sidewalk/Get the hell out/Don't
you know who I am?/Get the f..ck out of my rock n' roll
band!"/So if you wanna join my band/Do all the things
that I have planned/Leave your number, cuz you can
clearly see/That you oughta be/In a rock n' roll band
with me.
