George Carlin Y'ever
Y'ever dial someone on the phone and forget who you're calling?
Y'ever look at yourself in store windows when you're passing stores? "Hey, man. I look cool in the store window, man." Every now and then you have a storefront that has a forty-five degree angle and you walk into yourself. "Hey, man. I look cool walking into myself, man."
D'y'ever look at the crowds in old movies and wonder if they're dead yet? I do. They show a close-up of an old guy. "What mo..year is that movie? 1931? That guy's dead. He's dead. Come in here, Phil. There's a dead guy on TV. He wasn't dead then, but he's dead now. Look at that guy there. He is now dead, that guy."
Y'ever try to throw away an old wastebasket? Ya can't do it, man. People keep bringin' it back to ya. "Hey, your wastebasket was in the garbage! Heh, heh!" You have to really stomp on it to throw it away, y'know? Close the hole so it's not useful anymore.
Y'ever hear this in your house? "Where's the good scissors? I can't keep anything nice in this house. And I want my good tape measure back." "Uh, the good tape measure, not the one with thirty-eight inches missing in the middle, right?"
Here's something you hear. Mostly men say this around the house. "Who stole my underwear? Somebody stole my underwear!" "Which ones?" "This week's underwear! Y'know, they came in here and they went right for the underwear. And that's all they took. It was a surgical strike."
Bacon. Have you ever noticed under all the neat horizontal strips..sweet, nice, neat...underneath, there's always one weird piece of bacon?