A Modern Man Lyrics

George Carlin A Modern Man

"I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital
and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-
modern deconstruction that is politically, anatomically
and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and
downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know
the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of
upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge,
state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give
you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is
outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-
hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-
degradable. I interface with my database, my database
is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive
and from time to time I’m radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin the
wave, dodgin the bullet and pushin the envelope. I’m
on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs. I’ve got
no need for coke and speed. I've got no urge to binge
and purge. I’m in-the-moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top
and under-the-radar. A high-concept, low-profile,
medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart
bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I
tell power lies, I take power naps and run victory
laps. I’m a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk,
rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging
workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in
denial!

I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a
personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t
shut me up. You can’t dumb me down because I’m tireless
and I’m wireless, I’m an alpha male on beta-blockers.

I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but
fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-
maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-
definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last!
I’m a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head case pretty
maturely post-traumatic and I’ve got a love-child that
sends me hate mail.

But, I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing-
- a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care-giver.
My output is down, but my income is up. I took a short
position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its
own cash-flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy
junk bonds and I watch trash sports! I’m gender
specific, capital intensive, user-friendly and lactose
intolerant.

I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the “F” word
in my emails and the software on my hard-drive is
hardcore--no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a mini-
van at a mega-store. I eat fast-food in the slow lane.
I’m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in
all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized,
hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically-
formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-wash, pre-
cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-
packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped,
vacuum-packed and, I have an unlimited broadband
capacity.

I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean!
Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock. Rough, tough and hard
to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride
with the tide. I’ve got glide in my stride. Drivin and
movin, sailin and spinin, jiving and groovin, wailin
and winnin. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the
pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party
hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I’m hangin in,
there ain’t no doubt and I’m hangin tough, over and
out!"