George Carlin Unrelated Things
My grandfather used to say somethin'. My grandfather used to say, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY, MAN!"
You know what's really a ripoff? Buying flowers. They're free, man. But we buy them. Not only that. We buy them and we bring them home and they die. It's the only thing that you buy and you bring it home and it dies and you don't give a shit; you don't want your money back. I'd be down to the florist in a minute! "Fuck you! Gimme my money! These things died! You kiddin' me!"
We're really getting screwed in a lotta ways. You realize how many peanuts elephants owe us? As a group, we have never gotten any of these peanuts back. I'm down twenty-three, twenty-four bags myself. We f..ckin' pull up peanut posies. We got the elephants by the balls, man.
What do dogs do on their day off? They can't lie around; that's their job, man!
I know a guy who was trying to perfect a method for f..cking while running at full speed.
There's a moment coming. It's not here yet. It's still in the future. It's on the way. Hold on. Here it is! Oh shit, it's gone, man. We blew another one.
Tattoos. You know what would be a goofy tattoo? You get it on your foot. On the sole of your foot, it says, "If found, please drop in the nearest mailbox." I got another one. On a guy's back, you tattoo, "Please let's never anybody tell this guy all the shit we wrote on his back. He thinks it's a pirate ship!"