George Carlin Mental Hot Foots
This is something you can do for practical...humor. Do this on television; if you can get into a kind of a side of a television story where there maybe covering a tragedy and a lot of people are going "Hey, Willie!" You know, the kind of thing where you're not the center of attention 'cause they'll edit you out if you do this as the center speaker. You must be on the sideline. And what you do is you don't say this, but you move your lips to it. And what you move your lips to is- "I hope all you stupid f..cking lip readers are looking in!"
Have you ever tried backing out of Jack In The Box, man? It's f..ckin' great. But here's what you can do at Jack In The...this is a good, fun thing..or if you have any driving restaurant in your area, you drive into the first Jack In The Box and you say to Jack; you give Jack your order, "HI, JACK! HEY!" and you give Jack your order and you drive up and when the guy opens the window, he says, "$2.52". You pay him and you leave and you go to the nearest Jack In The Box and you (unintelligible) drive up, you give Jack your order; you give him the same order and you drive up and when the guy opens the window, you hand him the bag and say "$2.52!"
Here's another one. You do this at the department store. Go to the handkerchief counter. There's a lovely lady-o there and you say to her, "Do you have any monogrammed handkerchiefs?" And she says, "Yes, what initial would you like?" And say "Uh, I dunno. Hadn't even thought of it, really, I... I dunno. Give me an 'R' or an 'L'..two 'P's, a 'Q', hey, whatever's not moving. Hey, lemme have it." You make that lady's life. Not just her day. For Thanksgiving generations to come, she'll be sitting there saying, "Did I tell you about the weirdo who came in..." You'll be famous forever, man. You can make a person's life, alright?
I'll tell you something I'm gonna do. This is a real mental hot foot. What I wanna do is I wanna have my car rigged up so that I have a white cane...with a red tip...on each of the fenders. And I'm going to put on dark sunglasses and drive very rigidly. There's a lot of fun you can have, man.