George Carlin For Names' Sake
Names are a part of words. Hey, names have a real impact though. Names have emotional value. Especially names that are attached to products or people or really things that are bigger than just stuff. Holey moley. Product names- for instance if Janitor in a Drum made a douche, nobody would buy it, man. It would be like Raid Feminine Hygiene Spray. RAAAAAIIID! They call them feminine hygiene sprays; they're underleg deodorants, y'know. Can never recognize that.
Well I think lesbians should have a perfume called "Fuck Off Mister!" I'd like to bring out a brand new car and call it the 1975 Piece of Shit! Well the guys who sell them call them that. "here's a nice little Turd Coupe. Don't forget the big Country Shitbox." Call 'em shitboxes, man. "Whose turd is that?" "That's my trade-in, sir!" "Well get it away from the sign, man. They'll think we sell them things here! Here's a nice little shitbox; drive it off the lot. You get the full guarantee. If it breaks in half, you get to keep both halves."
I would like to have a baseball team and call it the Milwaukee Beer Farts. I would like to have Cream of Botulism soup. How about a company called United Consumer F..ckers? Football team names, man. I'm tired of Panthers and Tigers and Wildcats. I would like to root for the Cincinnati Mice, man. Go, Mice! Let's win for the pink and white! Well you'd have a whole rodent division, man. You'd have the Hawaii Hamsters, the Georgia Gerbils. Guys would be All-Rodent. Ya dig it, y'know. The Oakland Raiders, man. What about the victims? The Virginia Victims. I'd like to see any animal that's alive ought to be eligible to be for a team, man. The Seattle Sperm. The Texas Tumors, man. How about the Kansas City Crabs? "Well, the Crabs were all over the Cowboys today, Bill, uh...yes indeed."
My name was a pain in the ass. George is a pain in the ass name. It really is. It's a name that you kinda have to grow up separately from. "You be my name, I'll be me. I'll answer the door and they'll ask for you.." It's really a name like..well, for one thing, when you're writing it, it's never finished, man. G-E-O-R-G-E....O-R-G-E, O-R-G-E-O-R-G-E-O-R-G-E. You feel incomplete, y'know.
Then they start whipping the little poem on you, the little chant. Georgy Porgy. Nobody else in the world has a goddamn song like that. Ned, Don, Arlo, Whitney, Dan, Phil, Gabriel, Stan, Wally, Ernest, Duke, Ned- it's a different Ned. None of them had goddamn songs. Georgy Porgy!
"Georgy Porgy, pudding and pie"
First thing you do is lay a symbol on me I don't understand. What am I, a raisin? ...in a pie? Jeezus.
"Kissed the girls.."
Yeah, yeah, yeah?
"..and made them cry"
"When the boys came out to play Georgy Porgy...ran away"
They never mention that biologically, this was sensible that I would live to reproduce. Only that I'd run away. Well, that pissed me off. Next thing I heard, they're saying "Let George do it." They weren't even talking about the real thing- "Let George do it." They're talking about mopping and shit. "Let George do it." "Let George do it." Screw it! You do it!
George is a dumbass name 'cause..well, it's way down the list of names of getting laid automatically by the sound of your name. Some people have said there is no such list. Course there is. You got three guys, you got Teetho, Chico and George.
(female voice:) "Who's out there?"
"Teetho, Chico and George."
"Tell George to wait."
F..ckin' Teetho, y'know. It's a cool name. So you live different from your name. Always felt sorry for guys whose names were Dick and Peter, y'know? "Hey, Dick! Hey, I'm sorry. I don't mean you're a dick, heh heh heh heh! I don't mean that. Your name is Dick. I'm sorry. Your name is Dick. Hiya, Dick." Always wondered how girls got away with bringing them home. "Mom, I brought Dick and Peter home." "What, what?" I know a guy; his first name was Ed. He was so cool, he spelled it with a hyphen. That's kinda nice, man.