Victoria Wood Baby Boom
O God!
You know I’m forty odd.
I read it in a magazine.
Eek! Squeak!
I’m practically antique
And yet I feel about thirteen
(Well, most days).
O God!
I’m such a barmy sod.
I read the tea leaves in my cup.
But all that they
Ever seem to say
Is for Christ’s sake, grow up
Oh flip!
I need to get a grip
I’ve never learnt to ski or punt
(Go easy).
Ooh, ah!
I fasten up my bra
By twizzing it around the front
(how sleazy).
For God’s sake,
Give a girl a break!
Why am I so insecure?
I could take a header
Into vintage cheddar
And still not be mature
Tee hee!
Born in fifty three,
The middle of the baby boom,
Couldn’t dance,
Never had a chance:
There was never any bleedin’ room
(Quite frankly).
Boo hoo!
I’m in a bloomin’ queue
Of baby boomers headed West.
We did the twist,
Then we all got pissed
In a tie-dyed grandad vest
Can’t win,
I never fitted in,
Never was a sixties child
(Those sizzlers).
No point:
Couldn’t roll a joint,
Used to drive my boyfriend wild
(His Rizlas).
Spots, specs,
Terrible at sex,
Lay there like a stunned gazelle.
I was thirty-three
When it dawned on me
That girls could move as well.
Fair dos,
I managed sex and booze,
But rock ’n’ roll got clean away
(And smoking).
Big fan
Of Brotherhood of Man
I kissed their picture every day
(I’m joking).
Ooh er!
I’d never heard of Blur
Cos actually you know I’ve gone
Right from 10cc
Straight to HRT,
Turning left at Elton John
Hey hey!
Baby on the way,
Eighties mothers really tried
(They rambled),
"No drugs,
Wrap yourself in rugs
Eat your own placenta fried
(Or scrambled)."
Swear, curse,
I’m shouting at the nurse.
She said, just do the best you can.
I felt such a fool
In the birthing pool
In the middle of a hosepipe ban.
Stone me!
Now I'm forty-three,
Can I see the years ahead? I can
(White sandals).
Ex-lax,
Elasticated slacks,
Weekends on the Isle of Man
(No vandals).
Jigsaws,
I won’t go out of doors
Without a hat upon my old permed head.
I shall crochet dolls
In my Doctor Scholls
In the middle of my folding bed.
Heigh ho!
Well, I don’t know.
God gives us all a place on earth
(Like Chorley.)
How sad!
The life I might have had
If I’d been swapped at birth
(Sue Lawley).
Ho hum!
I’ve got it all to come.
Tomorrow is another day.
Well, I’m five foot five
And I’m still alive,
And that’s all I want to say.