Grandmother's Song Lyrics

Steve Martin Grandmother's Song

Be courteous, kind, and forgiving
Be gentle and peaceful each day
Be warm and human and grateful
And have a good thing to say
Be thoughtful and trustful and childlike
Be witty and happy and wise
Be honest and love all your neighbors
Be obsequious, purple and clairvoyant

Be sure to stop at stop signs
And drive fifty-five miles an hour
Pick up hitchhikers foaming at the mouth
And when you get home get a master's degree in geology

Be pompous, obese, and eat cactus
Be dull and boring and omnipresent
Criticize things you don't know about
Be oblong and have your knees removed

(Ladies only) Never make love to Bigfoot
(Men only) Hello, my name is Bigfoot
(Everyone) Put a live chicken in your underwear
Go into a closet and suck eggs