Red Peters You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas
They say Christmas is a time for giving - at least
that's what the good book says, and at our house every
Christmas Eve my son and daughter and their families
drive down from the big city for an old fashioned
family holiday. Ma dresses the house up like a
Christmas card, you can hear her in the kitchen singing
while she's baking cookies for the children. Ma spends
hours wrapping the presents she's been buying since
last August and hangs all the stockings over the
fireplace. The morning of, I cut me down the prettiest
darn Christmas tree you ever saw in your life. Eh, this
year we really outdid ourselves. You know, Ma and I are
getting on in our years so we decided to give the kids
tax-free cash gifts of $10,000 apiece.
(barking)
I reckon it was around noon, I heard the dogs barking
(yells "Come Rags!, Come Guzzler!") and there was Jim
the mailman in his old santa cap, coming up the walk
teasing the dogs, holding a package. Well he handed it
over to me and says "Pappy, looks like you got an
overnite package from your daughter". I went back in
the kitchen and Ma tore it open. To our horror we
unwrapped a fruitcake with a note that read...
"Aloha Ma & Dad, at the last minute we got a cheap fare
on the internet and went to Hawaii. Hold onto our gifts
until after the first of the year. Love, Princess."
Well, Ma's heart was broken and I felt a lump in my
throat as I thought to myself...
You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas
You can shove that fruitcake up your ass
well you ain't getting shit
no you ain't getting dick
you ain't getting shit for Christmas
You know, Ma hasn't had a drink in 20 years and I've
been off the sauce a while myself and heck, if there
was ever an excuse to start drinking again. (sfx-
doorbell) Who in tarnation could that be, Junior and
his family? It was some delivery fella standing there
holding what looked like a fruitcake tin with a card
attached.
"Pop, the company's condo is free this week and you
know how much Pumpkin and I love Hilton Head. Please
forward our gifts to this address."
(sfx-cork and pouring sound)
Hey Ma, save some for me. Well, Ma took a coniption
things turned ugly. She started breaking things and
hurled the turkey and those two fruitcakes right
through the front window, the whole time she was
yelling...
You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas
You can shove that fruitcake up your ass
well you ain't getting shit
no you ain't getting dick
you ain't getting shit for Christmas
(repeat, fade)
