Half Man Half Biscuit Descent Of The Stiperstones
I was
Yes I was
Descending the Stiperstones
When I
Recalled the order from home
To pick up a
To pick up a
To pick up a
To pick up a
To pick up a jar of Swarfega
And so returning to the car at Snailbeach, I set off in
the direction of Montgomery, where I was more than
certain my need would be met by Bunner the chandler who
sold everything. Entering the store, I nodded to an
assistant and hurried to the back area of the shop
where I could browse in comfort amongst the organised
chaos, and marvel at the fact that should it be my
desire, I could return home with a Ben Sayers four-
iron, a brush doormat bearing the slogan "Cofiwch
Dryweryn", and an oil painting by Mercy Rimell entitled
"The Raging Ostler" ...in addition to the Swarfega,
which I finally located on a shelf, next to a box of
Hussars, who, in spite of their dusty neglect, appeared
primed and ready for Old Boney. Also in this room was a
selection of doll's houses, and standing next to a
particularly detailed property called the Franklin was
the actress Lynette McMorrough, who used to play Glenda
in Crossroads. As I'd been a bit of a fan of the
programme, I couldn't help but engage her in
conversation, initially regarding the magnificent
craftsmanship on show, before rather awkwardly turning
the chat onto Kevin's affair, test tube babies, and the
tragic death of her dad, who was knocked down by a car
whilst stumbling home drunk from a triumphant bowls
tournament. The crazy world of Arthur Brownlow. Anyway,
my fawning gibberish and jar of Swarfega didn't seem to
faze her in any way, and she told me of her loneliness
and yearning for those heady days at ATV, and in
essence what she was trying to do was re-create her
Glenda life through a plastic doll, and such was the
stock at Bunner's, she had managed over the years to
acquire figures resembling not only that of herself,
but the rest of the family, and by purchasing the
Franklin, there would be enough space for everyone and
they wouldn't all be cooped up in the same room
watching the one television set. "All you need now is
the car that knocked down Pop", I joked, but to my
astonishment she told me she had it on order, along
with his bag of woods. Somewhat disturbed, I tried to
bring the meeting to a conclusion, but she was warming
to the situation, and revealed to me her ultimate
intention was to replace her own doll's plastic with
tofu, as the malleability of such a substance presented
the opportunity to belly herself up, as it were, when
she became pregnant. In my haste to leave the store, I
crashed into a Davenport, a drip-free teapot and a
mannequin dressed up as Warden Hodges.
I was
Yes I was
Descending the Stiperstones
Descending the Stiperstones
Descending the Stiperstones
A phallic watering can, a packet of Triffid seeds, an
ice rink for a model village, crucifixion nails, a pair
of polo-necked jeans, a jar of language pills, a jigsaw
of Nazi war criminals, post-apocalyptic Allen keys, a
written curse of a witch from Oswestry, a signed
photograph of former players' agent Eric Hall -
monster, monster. I fled towards the church looking for
sanctuary; found only Spencer The Halfwit, sniggering
the 46th Psalm.
Descending the Stiperstones
Descending the Stiperstones
Descending the Stiperstones
Descending the Stiperstones
Descending the Stiperstones
Descending the Stiperstones
Descending the Stiperstones
Descending the Stiperstones
