My First Earthquake Designer Boyfriend
I’ll slap your back if you slap mine.
We’ll stand up straight and we won’t get tired.
We kiss like strangers, but f..ck like flies.
In my book of touch, that’s three high-fives.
Ain’t too tender. Ain’t going head over heels.
Be with me and smile bright.
We’ll be the only stars on the floor tonight.
We both love shopping and contour lines,
and agree Burt Morris should resign.
I don’t care who you screw
If you just be straight, I’ll stay with you.
Won’t it be great to live forever this way.
[Chorus]
Designer boyfriend: you draw the lines in some strange
ass places.
Designed her boyfriend: set with the wrong typefaces.
We slept in late just like we bloomed.
We wrote up tired, and I questioned you:
You don’t rest still. You toss and turn.
In your heart of hearts, what gender burns?
Ain’t it funny, how we think lines are straight?
I peed that day after your shower.
Boy, it sure did smell like flowers.
On the steamed up mirror next to the clock,
I saw you had written, I heart cock.
I guess that answers who you screw,
If you just be straight I’d stay with you.
Won’t it be quaint to live forever this way.
[Chorus]
I found your secret stash of gay porn and
I thought to myself, ”I’m so forlorn.
Rebecca, you should have listened when Grandaddy warned
you,
It’s a land of fruit and nuts, this sate of
California.“
Bumped into you at the day spa,
but I’ve found myself a better bra:
a better guy to hold my breasts
when I’m at work, he just rests.
Ain’t no longer finding my underwear gone.
Caught the bus down at the corner
got off by the bay where the boys are hornier.
I don’t care if you’re a disco star. I’m never going
back to the Boy Bar.
Your color composition might be best in the Mission,
But I don’t like the way your sex is positioned.
[Chorus]
Put your prisma colors back in their pencil case.
Hot Girlfriend
Get off at the Dublin station
Walk past my elderly neighbors
Ring the bell in the back by the garden
I’ll get the door when I’m done on the john
Have a drink; enjoy the wood paneling
We live in a cigar bar
But you’ll have to leave...early
Cause it’s time for pizza in bed
[Chorus]
Hey hot girlfriend,
think we should install a sprinkler system.
Meet down at the flea market
I’m looking for an antique tub
Have a taste of kettle corn
That shit goes straight to your hips
Think it might be time for you to split
Was it something I said about your dress fit
Think you might erase his number
Look at this rocker — redwood lumber
Try some more of these…peanuts
They’re organic and locally grown
[Chorus]
Wear the dress that’s conveniently see-through
I didn’t know that you’d be here
Comment how the lawn looks nice
Thanks. It just rained.
Fake cough and politely excuse yourself
Did you see this shelf I made myself
Fake cough and politely leave the room
You need another drink, I assume
Would you, darling, please...leave me
Politeness ain’t paying my bills
[Chorus]
Cradle the Ladle
Your deep thought blew my router.
Why not a bowl of New England chowder?
Health care coverage missing dental.
Skip the candy. Hit a bowl of lentil.
Stop hoeing your team of lush blooms.
Un-condense some cream of mushroom.
Lost three goats, one fine filly
Wrangle those shitters with vegan chili.
[Chorus]
Steamy pot, what you got for me? (3x)
Traipsing Paris enflames your bunions.
Cuddle up with some hot French onion.
You know your plans will just get botched, so
Why not some cold gazpacho?
Stop worrying about your soiled bedding.
Why not a bowl of Italian wedding.
Menu options looking gnarly,
Always safe with vegetable barley.
[Chorus]
Ladle it up…
There’s delis in lotsa malls
I’d like to find some good matzoth balls.
Saltines ain’t got the means.
I need a punch packer like oyster crackers.
Ding-dong! it just hit noon.
Grab yourself a mug, a bowl and a spoon.
You ain’t nobody til your somebody’s dumpling,
lumpling.
[Chorus]
