Monty Python Spanish Inquisition Part 1
Linkman: Jarrow - New Year's Eve 1911
Reg:
(Graham) Trouble at mill.
Lady Mountback:
(Carol) Oh no - what kind of trouble?
Reg: I don't know - Mr Wentworth told me to come and
say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I
didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
[JARRING CHORD]
(The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain
enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal
Biggles has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal
Fang is just Cardinal Fang)
Ximinez:
(Michael) NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our
weapon is suprise...surprise and fear...fear and
surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and
surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our three
weapons are fear, and surprise, and the ruthless
efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the
Pope.... Amongst our weapons...are fear, surprise,
ruth... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as
fear... I'll come in again.
(Exit and exeunt)
Reg: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
[JARRING CHORD]
(The cardinals burst in)
Ximinez: NOOOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as:
fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost
fanatical devotion to the Pope, and a night out with
the neighbour - Oh erh! It's no good, I'm sorry.
Cardinal Biggles - you'll have to say it.
Biggles:
(Terry J) What?
Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief
weapons are ...'
Biggles: I couldn't say that...
(Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again)
Reg: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
[JARRING CHORD]
(The cardinals enter)
Biggles: Er.... Nobody...um....
Ximinez: Expects...
Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects
the...um...Spanish...um...
Ximinez: Inquisition.
Biggles: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In
fact, those who do expect -
Ximinez: Our chief weapons is...
Biggles: Our chief weapons is...um...er...
Ximinez: Surprise...
Biggles: Surprise and --
Ximinez: Stop. Stop. Stop there - All right! All right!
...our chief weapon is surprise...blah blah blah blah
blah. Now, Cardinal Fang, read the charges.
Fang:
(Terry G) One pound for a full sketch, 24 p for a
quickie.
Ximinez: What will you have?
Lady Mountback: Sketch, please.
