Monty Python Sermon On The Mount (big Nose)
JESUS CHRIST: How blest are the sorrowful. They shall
find consolation. How blest are those of gentle spirit.
They shall have the earth for their possession. How
blest are those who hunger and thirst to see right
prevail.
RANDOM: [cough cough]
MANDY: Speak up!
MAN: Shh.
BRIAN: Quiet, Mum.
MANDY: Well, I can't hear a thing.
MANDY: Let's go t' the stoning.
MR. BIG NOSE
Shh.
BRIAN: You can go to a stoning any time.
MANDY: Oh, come on, Brian.
MR. BIG NOSE: Will you be quiet?!
MRS. BIG NOSE: Don't pick your nose.
MR. BIG NOSE: I wasn't picking my nose. I was
scratching.
MRS. BIG NOSE: You was picking it, while you was
talking to that lady.
MR. BIG NOSE: I wasn't!
MRS. BIG NOSE: Leave it alone. Give it a rest.
MR. CHEEKY: Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's
saying.
MRS. BIG NOSE: Don't you 'do you mind' me. I was
talking to my husband.
MR. CHEEKY: Well, go and talk to him somewhere else. I
can't hear a bloody thing.
MR. BIG NOSE: Don't you swear at my wife.
MR. CHEEKY: I was only asking her to shut up, so I can
hear what he's saying, Big Nose.
MRS. BIG NOSE: Don't you call my husband 'Big Nose'!
MR. CHEEKY: Well, he has got a big nose.
GREGORY: Could you be quiet, please?
JESUS: They shall have the earth...
GREGORY: What was that?
JESUS: ...for their possession. How blest are those...
MR. CHEEKY: I don't know. I was too busy talking to Big
Nose.
JESUS: ...who hunger and thirst to see...
MAN #1: I think it was 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'
JESUS: ...right prevail.
MRS. GREGORY: Ahh, what's so special about the
cheesemakers?
GREGORY: Well, obviously, this is not meant to be taken
literally. It refers to any manufacturers of dairy
products.
MR. CHEEKY: See? If you hadn't been going on, we'd have
heard that, Big Nose.
JESUS: How blest are those who...
MR. BIG NOSE: Hey. Say that once more; I'll smash your
bloody face in.
MRS. GREGORY: Ohh.
MR. CHEEKY: Better keep listening. Might be a bit about
'Blessed are the big noses.'
BRIAN: Oh, lay off him.
MR. CHEEKY: Oh, you're not so bad yourself, Conkface.
Where are you two from? Nose City?
MR. BIG NOSE: One more time, mate; I'll take you to the
f..ckin' cleaners!
MRS. BIG NOSE: Language!
JESUS: ...hunger and thirst to see...
MRS. BIG NOSE: And don't pick your nose.
JESUS: ...right prevail.
MR. BIG NOSE: I wasn't going to pick my nose. I was
going to thump him!
MAN #2: You hear that? Blessed are the Greek.
GREGORY: The Greek?
MAN #2: Mmm. Well, apparently, he's going to inherit
the earth.
GREGORY: Did anyone catch his name?
MRS. BIG NOSE: You're not going to thump anybody.
MR. BIG NOSE: I'll thump him if he calls me 'Big Nose'
again.
MR. CHEEKY: Oh, shut up, Big Nose.
MR. BIG NOSE: Ah! All right. I warned you. I really
will slug you so hard--
MRS. BIG NOSE: Oh, it's the meek! Blessed are the meek!
Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I'm glad they're getting
something, 'cause they have a hell of a time.
MR. CHEEKY: Listen. I'm only telling the truth. You
have got a very big nose.
MR. BIG NOSE: Hey. Your nose is going to be three foot
wide across your face by the time I've finished with
you!
MAN #1 and
MAN #2: Shhh.
MR. CHEEKY: Well, who hit yours, then? Goliath's big
brother?
MR. BIG NOSE: Oh. Right. That's your last warning.
MRS. GREGORY: Oh, do pipe down.
[MR. BIG NOSE slugs MRS. GREGORY]
Oh!
[MR. BIG NOSE and GREGORY fight]
GREGORY: Oh!
MRS. GREGORY: Awa?
MR. BIG NOSE: Silly bitch. Get in the way on me?...
MRS. GREGORY: Ow!...
MR. BIG NOSE: Break it up-- oh. Oh!
MANDY: Oh, come on. Let's go to the stoning.
BRIAN: All right.
[music]
FRANCIS: Well, blessed is just about everyone with a
vested interest in the status quo, as far as I can
tell, Reg.
REG: Yeah. Well, what Jesus blatantly fails to
appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem.
JUDITH: Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg. Yes, I see.
MANDY: Oh, come on, Brian, or they'll have stoned him
before we get there.
BRIAN: All right.
MR. CHEEKY: Hey. Get off her. That's disgusting. Stop
trying to do that. Hey, officer, intervene here.
Attempted rape going on. It's the chap with the big
nose's fault. He started it all.
