Party at the church of Scientology! Let me drop some science on Scientology L. Ron Hubbard's weird sci-fi philosophy They cloud theology in top-secrecy Technology, mythology, and no apology 1952 was when it all began Started on a bet by a frustrated man His books weren't selling, so L. Ron thought fast He'd start a new religion and make a lot of cash Alien rulers, past lives, tone scales Copy written texts and scary emails Shutting up the critics, court battles left and right Mysterious deaths in the middle of the night Personality tests, E-meters, Narconon Time Square recruitment from dusk to dawn All this from the guy who wrote “Battlefield Earth” Salvation for a fee, let's see what your soul's worth There's a place in Florida where you've got friends We'll help you transcend if you give us those ends (Party at the church of Scientology!) Don't call it a cult, you just don't understand Write us a check and take our hand (Party at the church of Scientology!) Actors are a target for their army of elite They feed their self-esteem and make them feel complete They mess with their minds, just look at Tom Cruise Jumping on the couch during Oprah's interviews John Travolta fights thetans in his Florida estate Piloting his plane, Dianetics books-on-tape Beck counts past lives in a temple in Bel-Air Katie Holmes stays home and plays pregnant solitaire Isaac Hayes still pays to reach that upper-level state But left South Park when they hated on his faith Sonny Bono made donations, should have bought better skis Doug E. Fresh recruits haters on the mic as he MCs Juliette Lewis, Jason Lee, and Chaka Kahn Because of L. Ron all their money is gone Chick Corea, Kirstie Alley, and Nancy Cartwright Host weekly prayer circles under UFO headlines Once you step into the temple, your troubles will be gone We'll get you back on track, everybody sing along (Party at the church of Scientology!) Don't listen to the lies, you know they're all untrue So why not come on down, 'cause we're waiting for you! (Party at the church of Scientology!) So that's Scientology, P-S-E-U-D-O R-E-L-I-G-I-O-N you've heard so now you know They drain your cash fast, so as long as you agree You can't put a price on freedom when it's coming C.O.D Okay, they ruin lives and it sounds like science fiction What about Noah's Ark, Jesus and the crucifiction? Faith is subjective, you can't say who's right or wrong Though I'll probably end up missing just for writing this song Hey did you guys hear that the Easter Bunny's bringing Bigfoot to the meeting tonight? STAY AWAY FROM SCIENTOLOGY! STAY AWAY FROM SCIENTOLOGY!