Dane Cook Simon Said
If you shaved your beard, and put on a dress, you'd be a great female impersonator
And if you win this contest, we will have failed
Don't mean to be rude, but you look like the Hulk's wife
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Simon, we can tell that you were born this season
Your face was the same one that I make every time I watch the Real Housewives of New Jersey
And Simon, you have the honesty of Abe Lincoln, and the charm of the guy who shot him (3, 4! )
Did you take singing lessons? Do you have a lawyer? Then you should sue your teacher
You sounded like Sher after she's been to the dentist
Did you really think you could win American Idol? You must be deaf
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Simon says no so often that when he says yes it's because someone just asked him if he said no
You are the inspiration for people everywhere who want to be told they suck on TV in front of millions of people
But let's not forget the other judges
(Randy) Yo dog, I don't know man, it was a little bit pitchy, it was not good for me, I was like "WHAT!"
(Ellen) That was, uh, it was, it was really great, you look like you're, uh, having a good time up there it was great
(Karen) You've gotten lost in this competition, find out what kind of artist you are, you can win this whole thing right now
Now let's hear it from Ryan, after the break
I assume there was no mirror in your dressing room tonight
You've invented a new form of torture
You came across like a background singer for a background singer
I'm sorry, there's bad, then there is you
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