Stephen Sondheim Everybody Ought To Have A Maid
SENEX
Maids like me. I'm neat. I like maids. They're neat.
Something no household should be without.
Everybody ought to have a maid
PSEUDOLUS
Everybody ought to have a maid.
SENEX
Everybody ought to have a working girl,
Everybody ought to have a lurking girl,
To putter around the house.
Everybody ought to have a maid.
PSEUDOLUS
Everybody ought to have a maid.
SENEX
Everybody ought to have a menial,
Consistantly congenial
And quieter than a mouse.
Oh! Oh,
Wouldn't she be delicious,
tidying up the dishes,
Neat as a pin?
Oh! oh,
Wouldn't she be delightful,
Sweeping out, Sleeping in?
Everybody ought to have a maid!
PSEUDOLUS
Everybody ought to have a maid.
SENEX
Someone whom you hire when you're short of help,
To offer you the sort of help
You never get from a spouse.
Fluttering up the stairway,
Shuttering up the windows,
Cluttering up the bedroom,
Buttering up the master,
Puttering all around the house!
Oh! Oh,
Wouldn't she be delicious,
tidying up the dishes,
Neat as a pin?
Oh! oh,
Wouldn't she be delightful,
Sweeping out,
Sleeping in?
Everybody ought to have maid!
PSEUDOLUS
Everybody ought to have a maid.
SENEX
Someone who, when fetching you your slipper, will
Be winsome as a whipporwill
And graceful as a grouse,
Skittering down the hallway,
Flittering through the parlor,
Titering in the pantry,
Littering up the bedroom,
SENEX/PSEUDOLUS
Puttering all around
The house!
HYSTERIUM
A maid?
PSEUDOLUS
A maid.
SENEX
A maid.
ALL
A maid!
Everybody ought to have a maid.
Everybody ought to have a serving girl.
A loyal and unswerving girl,
Who's quieter than a mouse.
HYSTERIU
Oh! oh!
Think of her at the dustbin,
'Specially when she's just been traipsing about.
Oh! oh!
Wouldn't she be delightful
Living in . . .
SENEX
Giving out?
ALL
Everybody ought to have a maid.
Daintily collecting bits of paper 'n strings
Appealing in her apron strings,
SENEX
Beguiling in her blouse!
HYSTERIUM
Pattering through the attic,
SENEX
Chattering in the cellar,
PSEUDOLUS
Clattering in the kitchen,
SENEX
Flattering in the bedroom,
ALL
Puttering all around
The house.
The house.
The house.
The house.
HYSTERIUM
A maid?
PSEUDOLUS
A maid.
SENEX
A maid.
LYCUS
A maid!
ALL
Everybody ought to have a maid.
Someone who's efficient and reliable,
Obedient and pliable,
And quieter than a mouse.
Oh! Oh!
Wouldn't she be so nimble,
Fiddling with her thimble,
Mending a gown?
Oh! Oh!
Wouldn't she be delightful,
LYCUS
Cleaning up . . .
SENEX
Leaning down!
ALL
Everybody ought to have a maid.
Someone who'll be busy as a bumblebee
And even if you grumble, be
As graceful as a grouse?
PSEUDOLUS
Wriggling in the anteroom,
HYSTERIUM
Jiggling in the living room,
LYCUS
Giggling in the dining room,
SENEX
Wiggling in the other rooms,
ALL
Puttering all around
The house,
The house,
The house,
The house!
