Monty Python Penguin On The Tv
Two old women are sitting on the couch listening to the
radio when it explodes. One looks at the other
First Pepperpot (Graham Chapman): We'll have to watch
the Telly-vision!
Second Pepperpot (John Cleese): Aaaaw. (sound of
agreement)
(they turn the couch so it's facing the television. One
turns the television on, and they sit down. There is a
small penguin sitting on top of the television set.)
Both Pepperpots: (singing, mumbled) hhmhmhmhmh...
mhmmhmh mhmhm hhmhmmhm mhmhmmhmhmh
First Pepperpot: What's that on top of the telly-vision
set?
(pause)
Second Pepperpot: (matter-of-factly) Looks like a
penguin.
(pause)
Second Pepperpot: It's been a long time there, now, has
it?
First Pepperpot: What's it doin' there?
Second Pepperpot: Standin'!
First Pepperpot: I can see that!
(pause)
First Pepperpot: If it laid an egg, it would roll down
the back of the telly-vision set.
Second Pepperpot: Ummmm. I hadn't thought of that.
First Pepperpot: Unless it's a male.
Second Pepperpot: Yes. It looks fairly butch.
(pause)
First Pepperpot: Per'aps it's from next door.
Second Pepperpot: (yelling) NEXT DOOR?!? Penguins don't
come from NEXT DOOR! They come from the Antarctic!
First Pepperpot: (yet louder) BURMA!!!
(they both stop short, looking around)
Second Pepperpot: Why'd'j say that?
First Pepperpot: I panicked.
Second Pepperpot: Oh.
First Pepperpot: Per'aps it's from the zoo.
Second Pepperpot: Which zoo?
First Pepperpot: (angrily) 'ow should I know which zoo
it's from?!? I'm not Doctor bloody Bernofsky!!
Second Pepperpot: 'Oo's Doctor bloody Bernofsky?
First Pepperpot: He knows everything.
Second Pepperpot: Oooh, I wouldn't like that, that'd
take all the mystery out of life.
(pause)
Second Pepperpot: Besides, if it were from the zoo,
it'd have "property of the zoo" stamped on it.
First Pepperpot: They don't stamp animals "property of
the zoo"!! You can't stamp a huge lion "property of the
zoo"!!
Second Pepperpot: (confidently) They stamp them when
they're small.
First Pepperpot: (snapping back) What happens when they
moult?
Second Pepperpot: Lions don't moult.
First Pepperpot: No, but penguins do. THERE! I've run
rings around you logically.
Second Pepperpot: (looks at the camera) OOOOH!
INTERCOURSE THE PENGUIN!!!
(The television warms up: a man is sitting behind a
news desk)
Man: Hello! Well, it's just after eight o'clock, and
time for the penguin on top of your television set to
explode.
(the penguin explodes)
First Pepperpot: 'Ow did 'e know that was going to
happen?!
Man: It was an inspired guess. And now...
