Mc 900 Foot Jesus Adventures In Failure
(No one can do it better)
Damn I hate this job to work in this dump you gotta be a snob everybody gets on my nerves in this place I think I'll take the afternoon off from the rat race an exciting career don't amount to much but a pain in the rear I bust my ass all day for a dollar and then I go home and listen to the kids holler devoted spouse waitin' in the den wants to hit me upside the head with a rolling pin does that ring a bell? a daily routine we all know well I'm makin' more but enjoyin' it less the good life's mainly causin' me stress making a change is difficult but I gotta try to get out of this rut but fear seems to be holdin' me back courage is the principle trait I lack I gotta calm my nerves so I can think I pour myself a nice stiff drink and another this is my usual mode one for the money and ten for the road ah, now everything is clear I gotta get the hell out of here Yes now my mission is plain a Big Mac is calling my name I gotta sample some of Ronald's cooking so I raid my wifes purse when she's not looking pondering the wonderful thing called marriage I accidentally back the car into a baby carriage 'scuse me ma'am I'd love to stay and chat but watch where you're going next time you old bat I hit the gas and zoom down the block leave 'er in the dust yellin' for the cops swervin' round a corner tryin' to steer I get so excited I almost spill my beer a neighbourhood dog is yappin' at my bumper so I slam on the brakes and I hear a big thump I jump the curb and land up on a lawn then I finish my beer and turn the radio on some idiot's goin' on about rehab I grab a brew and yank on the pull tab here comes a little old lady with a shot gun I put the pedal to the metal and she runs digging on my off-road driving power I do a donut in a bed of flowers then I jerk the wheel a little to hard the car rolls over and over on out of the yard
(Causin' much destruction) (Act the fool)
I come to rest in the middle of the street a bunch of empty beer cans rattlin' at my feet starin' in the window is a nosy little brat I look him in the eyes and say "I meant to do that" then I notice my watch says I'm overdue for my big appointment at the local drive through I do a number on the accelerator and I'm cuttin' in line about thirty seconds later whaddya think this is? some kinda joke? gimme 10 Big Macs and a small diet coke I pull up to the window with my radio playin' I grab the bag and leave without payin' I weave down the road for a block jugglin' a beer and a a styrofoam box pull into a parking lot and kill the motor presently I notice a peculiar odour a little black smoke is risin' from the hood somethings gonna happen and it's probably not good I open the door grab my stuff and go just in time to watch the whole thing blow the car explodes with a bang and a hiss Oh boy, my wife is gonna really like this I can't believe this is happenin' to me this piece of junk's goin' back to the factory this was a blatant attempt on my life everyone will fall for that except my wife but wait a plan begins to emerge I suddenly have an overwhelming urge to spend the night in the great outdoors my suburban lifestyle has become a bore I'll build me a fire and finish my burgers what my wife don't know won't hurt her I leave the scene of the unhappy event resolved to make the most of my predicament a few yards away I feel better I know! I'll write 'er a letter or better yet a ransom demand got your husband send the money understand? or else we'll send his head home in a jar P.S. sorry 'bout the car Yeah, now that ought to really do the trick I'll be gettin' off the hook and she'll be worried sick but really, I'm gonna make it up to you honey I'll buy you a new car with your own damned money I walk a while into the sunset a man, at peace with the world, you bet nothing can diminish my total enjoyment except when I pass my place of employment Damn I hate this job to work in this dump you gotta be a snob everybody gets on my nerves in this place I think I'll take the afternoon off from the rat race
(Hard like a criminal)