Brian Peters Six Nights Drunk
As I came home on Monday night so drunk and very late
I saw a Harley-Davidson outside my own front gate
I says to my darling wife, "Won't you kindly tell to me
Who owns this Harley-Davidson where my pushbike ought to be?"
"You're drunk, drunk as a skunk, you've clearly had a few
It's nothing but a wheelbarrow that I bought in B and Q."
It's many's the day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more
But a wheelbarrow with twin exhausts I never did see before
And as I came home on Tuesday night and through the door did crawl
I saw a black crash helmet on a hat-stand in the hall
I says to my darling wife, "Won't you kindly tell to me
Who owns that crash helmet where my cloth cap ought to be?"
"You're drunk, drunk as a skunk, you're well and truly ratted
That's a woolly bobble hat that I myself have knitted."
It's many's the day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more
But a bobble hat with a visor I never did see before
And as I came home on Wednesday night, beneath me scarce a leg
I saw a leather jacket a-hanging on a peg
And so I says to my darling wife, "Won't you kindly tell to me
Whose is that leather jacket where my anorak should be?"
"You're drunk, drunk as a skunk, I can see you've had a drop
It's nothing but a duffel coat that I bought in the Oxfam shop."
It's many's the day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more
But a duffel coat with a row of studs I never did see before
And as I came home on Thursday night, to stand I wasn't able
I saw a packet of cigarettes laid on the kitchen table
I says to my darling wife, "Won't you kindly tell to me
Whose is that packet of cigarettes where my chewing gum ought to be?"
"You're drunk, drunk as a skunk, you're well the worse for wear
That's a pack of cards and I've been playing solitaire."
It's many's the day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more
But a pack of cards with a health warning I never did see before
And as I came home on Friday night, well, I'd had to dump the car
I saw a bottle of whisky standing on the breakfast bar
I says to my darling wife, "Won't you kindly tell to me
Whose is that bottle of Jameson's where my Horlicks ought to be?"
"You're drunk, drunk as a skunk, you're in a proper state
That's a bottle of cranberry juice, I'm trying to watch my weight."
It's many's the day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more
But cranberry juice at seventy proof I never did see before
And as I came home on Saturday night and staggered up the stair
I saw a man laid in my bed dressed in his underwear
So I says to my darling wife, "Won't you kindly tell to me
Who is this unfamiliar chap where my own self should be?"
"You're drunk, drunk as a skunk, and still you cannot see
That's a cuddly teddy bear my mother sent to me."
It's many's the day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more
But a teddy bear in a posing pouch I never did see before