Bill Hicks The War On Drugs
I don't do drugs... anymore. [laughs]
Haven't had a drug today.
Oh God, I used to do lots of drugs. I'm not ashamed of it. You know. Had no luck with drugs.
One time, me and three friends dropped acid, drove around in my dad's car. He has one of those talking cars. We're tripping and the car goes, "The door is ajar!"
We pulled over and thought about that for twelve hours, man.
"How can a door be a jar?"
"Why would they put a jar on a car?"
"Oh man, the freeway's melting."
"Put it in the jar!"
This hour... [imitates crickets chirping] "...but if it's a JAR..." [crickets] "... but what kind of CAR..." [wolf howling]
Got pulled over tripping once, too. Whooo! There's a dream come true.
I'll match that with any drunk story you've ever HEARD.
Man, the cop was tappin' on this window, we're staring at him in this mirror over here.
"HOW TALL ARE YOU?"
[he turns around]
"AMBUSH!"
[looks between the window and the mirror]
"Big one and a little one. Twins!"
George Bush says we are losing the War on Drugs. You know what that implies? There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it! [cackles]
What does THAT tell you about drugs?
Some smart, creative people on that side. They're winnin' a war and they're f..cked up! [cackles]
"Are we winning?"
It's like, they fight the War on Drugs like the colonials fought the Indians, right? They're walking in a straight line in red coats. Drug users are like Indians, they're up in the trees going, "[puff puff puff puff] Are they fightin' us? We're not even in that f..ckin' field! I guess we're winning by default! No combat, we're ahead!"
Drug... you know, War on Drugs.
Hey, I don't get it, because alcohol and cigarettes are drugs. So the war has definitely taken a cease-fire here, hasn't it? Yeah.
Alcohol and cigarettes kills more people than crack, coke and heroin combined!
You never see a positive drug story on the news, do ya? No.
Always negative. News is supposed to be objective, isn't it? Supposed to be? THE news? But every drug story is negative?
Well, hold it! I've had some killer times on drugs!
I'm not promotin' it, but I'm not denying it. Let's hear the whole story!
Same LSD story every time. "Young man on acid thought he could fly, jumped out of a building. What a tragedy."
What a dick!
Don't go blaming acid on this guy. If he thought he could fly, why didn't he take off from the ground first and check it out?
He's an idiot. He's dead. Good.
You mean there's one less doorknob in the world? Whoo! What a tragedy!
"Why so down, Bill?"
"We're missing a moron! Ohhh! We're missin' a moron."
I'd like to see a positive LSD story, would that be newsworthy? Just once? Hear what it's all about?
"Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather!"
"Gol'. Did you see the news?"
You know it's not gonna... it's not a War on Drugs. It's a War on Personal Freedom is what it is, okay? Keep that in mind at all times. Thank you.
They lump all drugs together, that's not gonna work. Pot AND crack? Hey hey hey, dude, don't put pot in the drug category. It's an HERB, man.
Like TEA.
Not only do I think pot should be legalized, I think it should be mandatory.
Think about it, you get in traffic behind somebody, [imitates truck horn honking]
"Shut up and smoke that. It's the law."
[puff puff] "Oh, sorry, I was taking life seriously. [giggles]
Oh man, who's hungry?"
That'd be a nice world, wouldn't it? Mellow, hungry, quiet f..cked-up people everywhere.
Domino's Pizza trucks passing each other on every highway. Parades of Domino's. [truck horn] Let them get stuck in traffic. All our pizzas will be free.
Come on. "Drugs are so bad, drugs are so bad!"
Yeah, yeah, well how come Keith Richards still walks? Explain that, Mr. Surgeon General!
You never hear the Surgeon General mention Keith, do ya? Ohhhh. Uhhh. Little hole in the theory there.
The Surgeon General says, "Drugs are bad! Drugs are EVIL!
Except for that guy! [giggles] They work real good for him. But the rest of you."
It's like the commercial, that guy with the skillet?
"This is your brain."
[imitates egg frying]
Here's Keith's brain.
[egg frying]
Here's Keith's brain on drugs.
[imitates the riff to "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction"]
Hey, that sounds pretty good!
That's him on drugs? Well!
Yeah, let's give him some more!
Here's Keith almost dead!
[mimes unidentified Rolling Stones song]
Well, screw it, let's kill him! Get some hits!
This guy defies the edge, man.
Keith Richards outlived Jim Fixx, the runner and health nut dude.
The plot thickens.
You remember Jim Fixx? This human cypher?
What a dark period in our country's history, too. The health years. You remember that? Everyone was trying to make up for all those cocaine disco bashes.
"Guess I should jog."
I just love watching people jog in New York. It's 110 degrees. They're dead. They're in traffic.
"I gotta get skinnier. I gotta be thinner."
Dude, you're gonna get hit in the head with a car.
You're gonna look real good like a puddle, okay?
"Wow, what a thin-looking, healthy puddle that is!"
"I'm uh, still... I'm still not good enough.
Still not good enough."
Alright.
I was born perfect. Been that way ever since. Sorry. I have an unscrappable faith.
Remember Jim Fixx, though? This guy used to write books about jogging.
What do you jot down about jogging, you know? "Right foot, left foot... Faster faster... Go home shower."
Oh, okay! Thanks, Jim, for putting that literary mind to the jogging issue. But I know how to jog, being the biped that I am.
Then this doofus goes out and has a heart attack AND DIES while jogging.
[manic laughter]
There is a God.
Right foot! Left foot! Hemorrhage!
Ehh, Jim, we're gonna need a happier ending, buddy.
What is this, Right Foot, Left Foot, Blood Spurts Out of Nose? Jim? You havin' troubles at home, son?
Keith Richards is shooting heroin into his eyeball and is still touring, alright? I'M GETTING MIXED SIGNALS.
I picture nuclear war, two things surviving: Keith and bugs.
"Where'd everybody go?
I saw a bright light, I thought we were on."