Bill Hicks Please Do Not Disturb
That's one thing about traveling, man. Staying in hotels all the time. Does anybody stay in hotels on a regular basis?
[Audience Member:] No.
Can you help me with something?
Does "Do Not Disturb" mean "Knock immediately" in Spanish? Or uh, what's the f..ckin' problem here?
"Do not disturb." Fairly clear! Then again, I'm a reader.
Put that on your door, within five minutes, they're there.
"Housekeeping!"
[knocking sounds]
That's not too disturbing, is it?
[knocking]
"Do you need fresh towels?"
[knocking]
"Hey, I'mma need to wipe up yer blood... if you keep KNOCKIN' on that f..ckin' DOOR!"
They'll even walk in with a pass-key, have you ever had that? Your room? You're in it? "Do Not Disturb" ON THE f..ckIN' DOOR!
Housekeeping STROLLLLLLLLS RIGHT IN.
You're sittin' there going, "Hey, HEY, HEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!"
"I'm here to change the sheets! Ha ha!"
"Yeah, come back in five minutes. You're gonna be working overtime on this crusty pillowcase.
I'm young, too. You better check the ceilings, baby."
Like there's anything to jack off to in a hotel room.
There's another symptom of the third mall from the sun, man.
They got this thing in hotel rooms now, instead of cable TV, they got a thing called SpectraVision, you know what that is? Where you BUY the movies?
They got these movies on there, it says right there on the movie card "Adult Feature".
Movies called "Sex Kittens." Adult feature. It's on after 12, costs $6.35, well, look.
I'm an adult, I've got $6.35 and, oop! I'm up after 12! Hahaha! Let's see the f..ckin' film.
Have you ever seen one of these? It's a pornographic movie, but the pornography is cut out of it! BAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OOOOOOOOOOOH!
THERE is a frustrating hour.
You wonder why people run through malls with automatic weapons these days, you know?
"I almost saw the pussy!" [gunshot noise]
"I need to see the pussy!" [gunshot]
Now, I don't want to seem shallow... but I don't think the plot and dialogue alone are enough to carry these films, y'all. I'd leave those f..ckin' scenes in if I were you. For continuity!
They got all these weird cuts where you don't see the woman at all. But, what do they leave in? OH! The guy's hairy ass!
[mimes 70s porno funk music]
[knocking] "Housekeeping!"
"GO AWAY!!!!
I'm looking at a guy's hairy ass!"
[wah-wah pedal funk bass]
Where are the Sex Kittens?
Two guys make these movies!
One guy films his own ass, the other guy has a wah-wah pedal and comes up with titles. These guys are making a fortune!
"Let's call this one Stewardesses in Heat!"
"Good title, Timmy! Film my butt!"
[funk bass]
Where are the stewardesses?
"Let's call this one Waitress Daisy Chain!"
"Great, get a close-up!"
[funk bass]
Hey, where are the wait-- WHERE ARE THE f..ckIN' CHICKS?!
I GOTTA PAY FOR THESE MOVIES!
The guy at the clerk is going, "Hey, you're the guy who bought all the hairy bobbin' man ass films?"
"It didn't say that! It said Pink Librarians!"
"Yeah, buddy. Right."
"If it had said Hairy Bobbing Man Ass, I'd have never bought the motherfucker!"
God dammit! Is it me?
And they have these... on the movie card. It says "If you have any suggestions for our films, please write."
Ehh. I wrote 'em a letter and I said, "Yeah, CUM SHOTS."
It's not an Adult Feature unless, at the end, someone's gooey, okay? Arcing ropes of jism hitting chins. THAT is an Adult Feature.
Women licking up semen like kittens under a cow udder! THAT is an Adult Feature.
That's a hairy, bobbin' man ass. I don't know who that's for. I don't know WHO watches that. I mean, I've got that kind of time, but uh...
Boy, the pornography industry. There's some pompous f..cks, huh?
You ever look at a hardcore pornographic magazine? They have this disclaimer that says "All of our models are 18 years and older."
Huh! These are MODELS, all of a sudden.
Yeah, tell me something, Miss Model. How is jism being worn this year? Is it being worn back or in bangs or off the chin?
Yeah, these are MODELS.
Yeah, here's Dusty modelling a 14-inch cock up her ass! Come on down, Dusty! This is how cocks are worn in Europe, you know.
Yep, here's Dallas with a penis ensemble.
And these are MODELS.
Yeah, I'm an amusement engineer, okay?
Adult Features with no sex in them.
That sounds like a throwback to AIDS, is that what it is?
Boy, AIDS, man. What other generation had anything comparable to AIDS, you know? The 50s? Rug burn. Pfft.
I don't know how much AIDS scares y'all, but I've got a theory. The day they come out with a cure for AIDS, a guaranteed one-shot, no problem cure... on that day, there's gonna be f..cking in the streets, man.
"IT'S OVEEEEEEEEEER!
Who are you? Come here!
What's your name? No, it's over! Yeah! WOOOOOOOHOO!"
Man, there's gonna be news cameras on every corner.
"They're f..ckin' everywhere!
This is Dan Rather and you're not gonna believe this shit!"
'Course all you're gonna see on the news is [funk bass line].
That's right, the hairy bobbing man ass.
The one adult no one loves.
